The Allstars board announced today that a deal has been struck with sportswear giants Pendle to supply the Allstars new strip. The deal thought to be worth £3m over the next 3 seasons was signed just in time for this years Festog tournament. Allstars player-manager John Kay said ' This is just great, not only will be playing the best football but we will also look the best'. The colours of the strip are to be purple and white keeping in with the strong masonic lodge connections in the club. The only difficulty in signing the strip deal, was the fact that new machinery would have to be bought by Pendle to stitch assistant coach Neil Pinchbecks shorts together, but Neil has swore he will get down to a 42 inch waist before the tournament.
Allstars public relations have tracked down the clubs biggest fan. Chris Barnbrook, 62, has been an avid Allstars supporter since he was a big kid. Chris says ' I like to go along and give the guys a big hand whenever I can.' Captain Elgie said 'Standing at nearly 8ft tall and weighing 25st he certainly is a monster.' Chris who is also a big Thin Lizzy fan said of the Allstars '…they're like thunder, like lightning, god damn they're so exciting!'
Allstars have also strengthened their squad before the season starts by bringing in two new faces. Tom Wotherspoon and Brian Duncan signed this week from Woodgrouphampton Wanderers in a £5m deal.
Tommy a speedy forward said ' I am thrilled to be here and can't wait to get training with the lads.' Brian Duncan, known to the fans as Mr Noisy, bellowed 'I fukken, always wanted to fukken play for the fukken Allstars and I'm fukken glad to finally get a fukken chance,you know.'
Manager Kay said 'I'm absolutely delighted with the new boys, although I think they need a bit of time to settle in with our continental style of play.'
Manager Kay(BSc) is to go on a spying mission later this week checking out the newly promoted Dynamo Delta to assess whether they are any threat to the Allstars. ' I expect them to be a good team but I still believe our biggest threat is from BC Milan, although their team is ageing a fair bit now and may struggle to keep up with the pace of the likes of myself and Neil Pinchbeck.' said Kay.
Good news for the Allstars backroom team today, with club scout Bill Ramage returning from a 14week scouting mission in Tillicoultry. Bill said ' It was a very worthwhile mission and I will be going BACK again as soon as I can, I have been watching a number of big fish and hopefully we will be able to net a few for next season.' Bill is also to be honoured this week at a special ceremony to celebrate his part in founding the Allstars all those years ago, when he set up the club using money from his goat herding empire.
Captain Elgie, 27, is delighted to be back with the Allstars. 'When I decided to retire at the end of last season, I never realised I would miss it so much. I used to sit in my cabin wondering what I could do, but in the end I just had to accept that I was going bald.' Says Colin.
It is hoped that this years event will pass without any of the ugly scenes that have marred the tournament over the last few years, such as Steve Hart and the bi-sexual Neil McIntosh getting stuck together at the mouth and the drying of Pincher's crack with Colin's towel. Allstars public relations officer, Roddy MacLachlan said ' It was a gross site, it was wobbling all over the place.'
The Allstars squad have booked into the lush 'Bar Java' training camp prior to the Festog tournament. Kay says ' It will give us a chance to finalise any tactics and practice our set pieces before we go onto the Grassmarket and have to compete with the students for bar service.'
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